A neuroscientist explains what happens if your face changes completely when you see your children's grades.

Although families and teachers often interpret poor results at the end of the school year by saying things like: 'you'll try harder next time' or 'that way you'll learn'… the truth is that " children's brains don't tiptoe around this situation ; rather, what they experience is a warning sign," warns neuroscientist Tania García.

The human brain, explains the founder of Educación Real , "doesn't distinguish between reality and fiction if the nervous system is activated. Therefore, when the grade isn't what they expected, their brain system interprets it as a threat to their survival, since that grade usually becomes a disappointment for their role models, and the nervous system interprets it as a threat to their belonging and value within the family."

The child, he explains, "begins to feel inadequate, incapable, worthless... with the impact this has on their developing brain , which will adapt to believing they are incapable. And when these things happen, the child either disconnects and becomes demotivated from school and/or learning, or pressures themselves and demands, to the point of anxiety and depression. However, both scenarios are devastating and are a consequence of a social, educational, and cultural system that associates people's worth with their qualifications," García points out.

Often, grades don't reflect students' true effort or learning process. How can families and teachers address this situation, which can disrupt a family's relationship?

The relationship between adult and child is damaged not by failure, but by the judgment that accompanies it, by the demands, by the ingrained belief that good grades equal adequate learning, intelligence, or ability. The belief that "their only responsibility" is good academic results. Children need to make mistakes in their development —to fall, to get up, to enjoy, to feel pleasure, to feel pain, to be frustrated, to be happy—it's part of life and what nourishes their mental and physical health so that it flourishes. Even if we want to spare them from all the difficulties in life, it's there and it should be there.

Now, what they don't need under any circumstances is the guilt they're made to feel because of their grades, nor the judgment, comparison, or disappointment from the adult who's supposed to care for them, nor the feeling of being worthless or unworthy of being heard, emotionally supported, understood, and treated with dignity and ethics. When you say "you haven't tried hard enough" without having been inside their body or mind, without having accompanied their anxiety, their inner story and narrative, their emotions, and therefore their fears and worries... it's speaking with a focus on the part of the iceberg that's visible, but what about the part that's submerged beneath the sea?

In Real Education , we teach how to see and read what is not seen , for example: Have there been unnamed but ongoing family conflicts this year? Have you experienced significant life changes such as a move, separation, a change of stage, or grief? Have you experienced bullying, exclusion, or micro-violence in the classroom? Do adults know what your emotional experience has been like with each subject? Do you feel comfortable at school? Are you emotionally supported at home? Have you verbalized fear, shame, or frustration about learning? Have you shown signs of an activated nervous system in relation to school, such as blockage, insomnia, or avoidance?

Or, have you experienced physical symptoms before or after assessments? Are adults teaching based on expectations? Is error acknowledged or penalized? Have you felt you had to perform to deserve love, physical contact, attention, or belonging? Do you understand your personal value beyond results, what you do or don't do? Do you feel you have options, or that your present and future are already determined by your academic results? Do you have spaces where your identity isn't associated with academic success?

Academic performance, in short, is not an isolated phenomenon; it is a social symptom, which begins with an educational system that is far removed from what the brains of children and adolescents need.

What should we review in the child's education if this is the case? Should we conduct cognitive testing, check for underlying disorders, etc.?

Before looking at the child, we must look at the system. And that's the part that almost no one dares to say out loud, where no one dares to look: the problem isn't the child. It's the educational model. A child who fails doesn't need to be questioned; they need to question the environment that has failed them.

Because the education system, as it is structured, is not designed to embrace learning in all its splendor and what it entails for the brain, just as it is not designed for the diversity, different neurological rhythms, and psychosocial-emotional realities of each child. The system is designed to produce results, not to support people who are at the peak of their brain potential, with needs completely different from those of adults.

We must keep in mind that learning that sticks and transforms only occurs when the nervous system is balanced, not on alert, and the bond is intact. And this cannot be achieved with rewards, reinforcements, punishments, threats, remedies, comparisons, demands, etc., which point to the child as the cause of a problem.

What kinds of messages or attitudes from the family environment can help prevent a poor grade from negatively affecting self-esteem or motivation?

Self-esteem isn't protected by saying "nothing's wrong" or by comparing ourselves with others who "do worse." It's protected by presence and real connection. With adults who look at us without judgment and who don't base their relationship with their children on their academic results. Messages that boost their self-esteem and that must be accompanied by our actions are things like: "Grades don't define who you are, your ability, or your worth. What's important is always how you feel and how this process makes you feel." But more than phrases, what prevents and repairs is our daily guidance, with ethics, love, and dedication. Our trust, listening, and real presence.

How can we teach children to put their grades into context?

It's not enough to say "grades don't matter," "what matters is effort or how much you like the subject," if your expression changes completely when they fail or don't receive the grade you expected; or if they hear you talking negatively about their progress with family members. For children's brains, if there's anything that matters for their optimal mental health, it's how we make them feel with our gestures, actions, decisions, and words. Let's always ask ourselves whether or not we are consistent between what we say and do, and if not, let's work for daily consistency; it's the best learning experience for our children. Therefore, we must prevent their identity from being constructed based on their academic results, and that can only be achieved at home. Childhood and its development cannot continue to be measured by standards designed without knowing their brains.

What role does current assessment play in this pressure for grades?

Evaluating a learning process shouldn't focus on what the child has memorized or what they are able to put down on paper on a specific day and time. First of all, there's an inner world, personal situations, stress, and so on, which can block the nervous system, making it impossible for them to express themselves on that particular day and time like any other. It's also important to keep in mind that memorization is not the same as learning or connecting with what has been learned.

Therefore, to know if children have learned, we should focus on how they experienced it internally and make their learning experience a sensorial, experiential, friendly, practical, and binding experience. We should assess what has changed within them as they learned and what emotional mark that experience has left on them.

Enjoying the learning experience, feeling a sense of belonging, understanding it, practicing it, explaining it in your own words, having made mistakes, and feeling at peace before, during, and after the process would, ultimately, be the best possible evaluation.

What signs should parents look for to distinguish between a one-time emotional reaction to a grade and a deeper sense of academic frustration or anxiety?

The first thing to understand is that all behavior is telling us something. A one-time emotional reaction—such as feeling sad, angry, or disappointed about a bad grade, but being able to talk about it naturally, showing interest in other activities they enjoy, and having no physical symptoms—is natural, especially if the child has invested energy and had high expectations for it. But if the reaction is sustained over time, amplified (the child somatizes stress on a physical level—headaches, stomach aches, insomnia, etc.—or continually self-criticizes, isolates themselves, overexerts themselves, etc.), or invades other areas of their life, then we are facing a deeper state of nervous system imbalance that cannot be ignored. Even so, the focus should be on making them feel loved, accepted, and protected for the human being they already are, not for their academic results.

In the summer, how should free time be addressed for children and adolescents who have received lower than expected grades? How do you manage such a family vacation?

Summer should be understood as a key period to reconnect with them and help them connect with themselves, to balance the nervous system, which has spent a year full of routines, demands, little free time... as well as a key period to learn from a different place, since learning is everywhere (in every trip, every activity, every outing, every boredom, every movie, every homemade pizza with the family...).

Many children and adolescents arrive at the end of the school year exhausted, irritable, with sleep disturbances, apathy, or physical symptoms associated with stress. The last thing we should do is continue with that pressure and demand; the body and brain need to regain their stability. This means real rest, a flexible pace, a pressure-free diet, contact with nature, undemanding spaces, a non-judgmental adult presence, free activities, spontaneous play, freedom to talk about experiences, and an environment where children don't feel they have to "make up" for what they didn't achieve during the school year.

It's important that summer isn't labeled as something that's meant to "take advantage" of it to perform better later on. If it's conveyed that free time is only useful as preparation for the following school year, it reproduces the same pattern of self-demand that causes so much harm (can we imagine a vacation in the adult world, where we're preparing to return to work? It would be unthinkable for our mental health). A truly restorative summer is one in which children can rest without guilt, play freely, relearn with curiosity, and feel that their value isn't based on their results.