Mario Alonso Puig: "We all have a dormant potential that allows us to achieve the impossible. I don't just believe it, I've seen it."

Mario Alonso Puig , renowned surgeon, educator, and writer, has been on a busy tour with his lecture "Do the Impossible" since last March. Fresh from Paraguay, after giving talks in several Spanish cities, Latin America, and the United States, he visited ABC to sit in on the Family Dialogues panel.

Mario, can what seems impossible always be an achievable goal?

No, no. Not everything that seems impossible is always achievable. There are things that surpass reason because they are absurd. For example, it's absurd to pretend to fly by moving your ears. When I talk about impossible things, I'm specifically referring to the fact that there are times in life when we encounter obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, such as illnesses, certain economic situations, family distances, very painful pasts... I call these 'mountains.'

Other times we feel very alone when it comes to making decisions because we perceive that people don't fully understand our dreams or the situation we're going through... It's what I call 'the deserts'.

There are also times when we have to make very difficult decisions, whether personal, professional, or family-related... We feel like we're on the brink of collapse: "If I take this leap, what will become of me? Will I break my head? Will I find anything to lean on?" I call these "the cliffs."

In some situations, we feel a deep confusion, filled with doubt. That's 'the cave.' And other times, there's such uncertainty that we feel blocked: I call them 'the oceans.'

In my 'Do the Impossible' lectures, I want to show a path to overcome those mountains, walk with enthusiasm through the deserts, dare to jump from precipices, understand—as Professor Joseph Campbell said—that the treasure we seek is precisely in that cavern we fear, so we can jump into that ocean convinced that we are going to find a continent to discover.

These are things we humans can overcome, but the mind manages to make us perceive them as impossible. My experience, both personal and through accompanying many people over decades, shows me that it can be overcome. It's not that reason finds it repugnant; it's that it seems so grand as to be possible.

We always have to count on reason, but in this case, it surpasses what seems possible. This is the field that interests me most because it's the one where great advances are made, where people improve their illnesses, resolve family problems, and face uncertainty with much greater confidence.

However, not everyone has the same strength to face the situations you're talking about. What does it depend on?

Strength depends on the power of your "why" and your "what for." A mother or father may have little physical strength, but if there's a fire and their child is behind a door, I can guarantee you that, unless it's made of armored steel, they'll knock the door off its feet. How is that possible if they apparently lack that strength? Because of something that has always fascinated me: dormant potential.

When one finds a motive of sufficient scope, a potential emerges that overwhelms us. What's often missing is a true purpose in life, something that goes beyond a specific desire. Every human being has the capacity to unleash potential, not just unknown, but of impressive magnitude. Now, how will that potential be expressed? It depends. Is that potential in every human being? I have no doubt. I've seen it in people who have faced illness, extreme economic situations, family conflicts... So, it's not that I believe it, it's that I know it. We have a hard time believing it because our perspective lacks depth. We stick with the appearance, we think that if these are the results I've achieved all my life, how can I aspire to more? Of course, it's true, you've achieved those results because you haven't unleashed your potential. The moment you give yourself the opportunity, you'll have different results. But how will you unleash that potential if you don't even give yourself the opportunity, if you don't open yourself to the possibility that it exists? If you make your appearance your entire life, your results your entire being, and what you think your defining factor... Great transformations happen when a person connects with their potential, unleashes it, and lets it blossom. Then, the impossible becomes possible.

How important is the education we receive from childhood in order to achieve the purpose you're talking about?

A lot. Family is the foundation of everything. It's like a cell: if it's not cared for, how can the organ be? We humans learn by observing. The discovery of mirror neurons at the University of Parma (Italy) was very important when, while studying a group of macaques, they observed unknown neurons that were activated in another macaque; that is, as if the other macaque were doing what the macaques studied were doing. The fact that motor neurons are activated in the one peeling a banana is understandable; but the fact that the same neurons are activated in a macaque that's just watching is surprising. These mirror neurons have a lot to do with learning, with socialization and connection. In other words, we humans learn by observing those around us: parents, siblings, teachers...

We unconsciously absorb their beliefs, ways of thinking, interpretations... And it's important to nurture this whole set of beliefs from an early age, even from zero months to one year, when it seems like "the child doesn't understand," but they do understand everything! It's a very important time. It's vital that the child feels loved and supported. It's extremely important.

And now, many parents are overly concerned about adolescence, about excessive social media use, school dropouts... What can be done when it seems impossible for a child to put down their cell phone or get ahead in school?

First, we need a little consistency. Teenagers are also our mirrors. We must start by putting down our phones ourselves. We can't demand that they do what we don't do. Our children won't do what we say, they'll do what they see us doing. If we tell them to put down their phones, but we don't put them down ourselves, it's useless. Second, there's something human beings seek: connection. We are beings of encounter, of bonding. We can be very connected to social media, but very little connected. Between parents and children, there must be attentive, real listening, without dogmas, without telling them how to live, but rather taking an interest in how they dream of living. We often have a mental model of success for our children, but they observe us and see if we are happy. If we aren't, our sales pitch for supposed success won't convince them.

If they see us happy, that we don't give up in the face of difficulties, that we treat others well, with respect... they'll absorb it. What's missing is listening, spending time together, telling them and showing them that they're the most important thing. It's not enough to spend half an hour "doing it," but we need to truly ask them: "How are you, son?" And listen to them without judgment, with enthusiasm, humility, and interest. That way, we'll win their hearts. If not, they'll do more mundane things that won't fulfill them, but it will help reduce the feeling of lack of connection.

In general, don't you think we're overly pressured by messages like "you can do anything," "if you set your mind to it, you'll achieve it"? Don't they sometimes generate a lot of frustration from not reaching our goals?

Yes. There are two types of messages that have two radically different impacts. The same words can have one impact or another. Sometimes a person requires firmness because that's what they need, other times they demand gentleness. The important thing is to be timely. If someone has a closed door, don't try to break it down; try to open it slowly.

The first thing we need is to empathize with the person. If they're going through a very difficult time, feeling like they can't, that they're not capable, that they can't climb that mountain... telling them "cheer up, you can do it" can increase their frustration. They'd like to be able to, not that they don't want to be able to, and you reminding them of that only widens the gap between what they want and what they feel capable of.

It's more effective to understand their context and tell them, "I completely understand how a person feels when faced with such an obstacle. Do you know why? Because I've felt so small when faced with smaller obstacles. I'm going to tell you what has helped me overcome it: taking one small step at a time, asking myself what the smallest step I can take is. Stopping and thinking about how to view the mountain, not as a whole, but as a series of stages to overcome." You can convey to them, "I'm convinced that you have potential that you're not aware of, and if you were to go through the stages, that potential would unfold." Then, That person feels understood. In other words, don't give them instructions or a lecture. Connect with the human side, with that feeling of collapse, of helplessness. You can't give the impression that you can handle everything, but rather that I'm a human being just like you. And, from there, you share your experience, giving them the freedom to build their own story with what you give them.

That is, motivational messages must be contextualized within the person's circumstances and mindset, otherwise the impact can be negative. By failing to understand this, you can't connect with a deeper context, which is the ontological one—the dormant potential the person possesses. To awaken it, the first thing they need is for you to understand their situation, value it, and then offer resources. Don't tell them how to do things, even if your intentions are good. The phrase "you can" becomes "you should be able to," and that fuels neurosis.

What other mistakes should we avoid when a family member or friend is stuck in that cave you mentioned at the beginning?

We must avoid labeling the nature of the problem without understanding it. It's best to ask questions to try to understand what the person feels and needs, and to open a space for deep listening. We shouldn't become the immediate professional who knows the answer. The right answers lie within the person; your mission is to help them discover them. It's a very beautiful process because the solution emerges from the conversation.

I'll give you a clear example. The other day I was signing books at the Madrid Book Fair. A woman approached me and said, "Mario, I'm struggling with life." A relative had died, then another... What are you going to say to this woman? "Live fully"? "Keep your spirits up"? I told her, "I understand that you're struggling with life. I understand because what you've been through causes enormous suffering. And I understand that when you're there, frankly, it's hard to get out. Let's see if we can find a way to come to terms with life, somehow."

The key thing is that this woman felt understood, right?

Exactly. Our tendency is to seek a connection. We want that woman who is sad, who is crying... to rejoice. But it's a journey, it's a process. It's not an immediate solution. It's not enough to say, "Be happy; look, you're alive."

On another occasion, I was invited on television to have a conversation with someone who was going through a very difficult time. This person was on a boat with his partner and parents. The boat sank. He and his partner survived, but his parents died. They were very close. The mistake you can make is to say, "But you and your partner are alive. Celebrate life." That's a mistake because that person isn't happy. They wonder why they didn't die too.

So, we must understand that this humanity unites us all. And that if the same thing had happened to one of us, we would feel the same way. But we struggle to accept our vulnerability. It's easier to put ourselves in the role of the advice giver—the "superego," the superhero, perfection—instead of accepting fragility. Only by accepting fragility and connecting with it can we find a way back home. If we don't, we may have good intentions, but we won't reach the person's heart. They won't have felt understood.

Mario, I'd like to ask you a more personal question: What is it that you find impossible?

Remember that when I talk about impossible things, I'm not talking about something a superman or superwoman can do, but something any human being can do to live a full, meaningful life. For me, the most challenging thing is to overcome, at certain moments, the limitations my ego wants to impose on me. To transcend the ego, to make sure that even I don't interfere with my essence. That's my constant challenge. Sometimes I succeed, other times I don't. And I have to acknowledge my vulnerability.

Can you give us an example to understand it better?

Yes, of course. I was giving a talk in Mexico, in front of a lot of people. It wasn't because of the number of attendees, but I was afraid of going on stage. I was very surprised because it's not a normal emotion for me. And there, backstage, about to go out, I asked myself: "What's happening to you, Mario? Why are you afraid?"

And I realized: I cared about shining. I wanted to do it really well. And then I said to myself, "You're not here to shine. You're here to illuminate." In that moment, the fear disappeared. But it was the ego that placed me on the brink. The ego said, "You have to shine." By recognizing that, I was able to overcome it. Other times I haven't been able to. That's my challenge: to overcome those limits.

But, I repeat, when I talk about doing the impossible, it's not a hymn to vanity, but to humility. It's recognizing that we have dormant potential that can be unleashed. It's not about demanding perfection. Everyone, including me, has moments of decline, of falling, of desert... The important thing is knowing that you can overcome it and having the willingness to do so. Sometimes you'll succeed. Other times you won't. But you always learn, and it will have less and less power to block you.

It's a life process, isn't it?

Exactly. There's no magic formula, but if you apply certain strategies, methodologies, etc., your ability to overcome it skyrockets. Thinking you'll succeed in every situation, every time, is hubris. When someone thinks they can handle anything, life puts them in their place.